Selection Bias
There's this phrase that goes around, "second trimester energy," that sounds like a superpower pregnant people get. It does feel like that when it happens, but it's a matter of perspective.
The first trimester was so rough, for so long, that it was extraordinary just to not feel nauseous. It's miraculous like pain stopping, like breathing easily through a whole night when you've been congested for weeks.
And now I seem to be fine. I'm going places, seeing people: second trimester energy. As far as they know, I've been normal the whole time.
I think this is why I found pregnancy symptoms so astonishingly harsh. Lots of people do pregnancy! You see them walking around! You will see a pregnant person waddling, or holding their back or belly, but that's about the extent of it.
But of course, that's selection bias— and now that I'm feeling better, I'm a part of it. It's hard to remember that when you actually see a pregnant person out in the world— or people with depression or chronic illness— you are probably seeing them on one of their better days. And even then, we put on a good face in company.
I was diagnosed with depression some years ago. I found the diagnosis surprising because I was experiencing life circumstances that made me very sad; I had thought of depression as more of a reasonless sadness. But in fact, the questionnaire a doctor gives you for this doesn't distinguish between grief and neurochemistry.
The quiz is brief and fairly transparent: if you wanted to give all the right answers to avoid diagnosis, you could. There is a line drawn somewhere, by someone, that X is too much sadness, whether it feels situationally appropriate or not.
In this case, I drew the line. I was there seeking help. I answered the questions honestly, and I fit the profile at the time.
Later, I asked my therapist if insurance would still cover talking to her if I got better.
"Don't worry," she said. "It's considered a lifetime condition. Once you get diagnosed, that diagnosis never goes away."
I was not entirely reassured.
My bachelor's in neural engineering is not for nothing. There's a lot we don't know about the brain, but we do know that it runs in patterns that behave plastically— that is, when exposed to stresses, the patterns deform into new permanent shapes.
Neuronal connections strengthen with use and atrophy over time. That means that grief that lasts long enough does shape the patterns of your brain in ways that can last for the rest of your life.
It also means that if you can disrupt the pattern for long enough, you can weaken its hold. This is a major component of various therapeutic approaches: changing a behavioral loop, meditating to create space between stimulus and response, taking psychedelics, applying strong magnetic fields to the brain. The goal is to keep the pattern from reinforcing, to give it another path.
What I remember the most from my recovery is that I started having more control, and feeling better, and thinking, good thing that's over now. And then months later, realizing I was doing much better still— that what I had thought was full recovery was still only partial. It just kept getting better.
Second trimester feels like that. When I stopped feeling constantly nauseous and empty of energy, when I could finally eat, when I could almost count on waking up functional, I thought: I get to be me again!
Now, seven weeks into the second trimester, I'm having a good day every day. For a while, I wasn't averse to food but had to be very careful to eat often and drink electrolytes. Then I could do mildly strenuous activity if I rested after.
As of last week, I can stay out all day! Good thing, because between an ultrasound and a UK visa appointment, I had errands on Monday from 9 to 2:30.
Although Robert is sad I'm spending my happy/healthy without him (on the schedule of my spousal visa), this is a good time to feel better. I'm back around community I haven't seen for months, with even more friends in from out of town this weekend.
And in either location, I want to use the time for a bit of pattern disruption. A healthy relationship with food means a body with energy. I have begun to work out, strength and mobility training that helps me feel better and more energetic each time.
I wish I could have been active the whole pregnancy, but there are four months left of it. For comparison, you can train from 5k to ultramarathon shape in that amount of time.
Don't worry, I've been warned about the third trimester. I'm not entirely delusional. But although pregnancy can and will have permanent effects, I have hope that I'll get to be myself again. And I know that there is still more up to go.
Before I knew I was pregnant, Robert and I hiked ten hours through the woods and greenways of London. The day before I found out, I took a route setting course at the bouldering gym. After a full day of carrying heavy equipment up on ladders and test climbing all the routes, I wondered why I was so tired.
This Sunday I walked three miles round trip to lunch. There was a hill. When I got back, I was depleted but not fully exhausted: second trimester energy. I'll take the win.
